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If there was a time during your child's life when others, looking in, might have been inclined to judge you as "not being interested in spending time with your child," but you knew that nothing could have been further from the truth, what was going on at that time which could have made it seem as if you didn't want to see your child?
Here are some of the responses:
"There was a period of almost two years after my divorce that I found it extremely difficult to keep in contact with my infant son. The fact that he was an infant...and geographically far away... made it impossible to speak with him on the phone, therefore, the only way I could gain any knowledge of his well being was to speak with my ex. In attempting to do so....I was constantly reminded of all that went wrong in our marriage. Even though my motivation in contacting her was to speak strictly of our son...because I could not carry on a conversation with "him"....the conversation with her inevitably became so painful that I began to avoid them completely...rarely taking the initiative to call.. Concurrently, the only time she ever contacted me was at the point of total frustration and anger, at which point I would not want to speak with her.
"She still says to all that I have no interest in relating to my son, (who is now 5 years old.) She still makes the calls as unpleasant as she possibly can for me. I wish I new why? But now, because my son is getting old enough to speak on the phone himself, I am more able to call and just ask for him rather than having to speak with her about him. It's still uncomfortable...but I do it now much more often, and, I imagine we will speak more and more and more as he gets older. It is very important to me. If only she had been able to put away her bitterness against me and just spoken of the wonders of our son. If only I could have called and listened to only how "he" was doing, rather that being berated over disagreements that had taken place year prior. If only I could have been able to speak with an infant.
"We all know, however, the only way to speak with an infant is with your eyes."
"I found out in the fall of 1992 that I was the supposed father of the unborn child that an ex-girlfriend of mine was due to deliver in late fall or early winter. I was dating someone I cared about deeply and eventually would marry (Jan. 1994). The child was born in December 1992, a girl, Marissa.
"I requested a paternity determination, not in an attempt to avoid anything, just to make sure I was the father. This took until the fall of 1993 to determine. I was the father. In the meantime I had become engaged to the wonderful woman I now call my wife. The system did not allow for any discussion on visitation, just for child support. I began having cs removed from my pay in November 1993, and had accrued 11 months of arrearage. I had my attorney's prepare a motion to set up a visitation schedule etc. Although she was receiving quite a bit of child support, the mother was adamant about me NOT being able to see Marissa. She was upset about the paternity determination...
"I was faced with a difficult decision. Fighting with the mother to gain my rights (and the child's rights) to be together while putting my new wife and her family through something they had never experienced before. The baby's mother said she was planning on getting married and her fiance wanted to adopt Marissa (later on I found out this was not the case). I now had to think about what was better for everyone involved. Having been through the court battle thing previously with my first wife and my oldest two children, I was truly torn. After a few months of toiling over the situation, and after finding out there was no fiance, I decided to push on and try to become an important part of Marissa's life. Now the system comes in (again) and it has taken to October 1995 to finally prove to everyone that I belong in my daughter's life. The schedule put together for now is definitely not father friendly, but it is a start. I hope when I show everyone that Marissa will better off with me (and my family) in her life, the system will make the right decision and allow me to equally participate in Marissa growing up.
"Over the last three years I concerned myself with the feelings of a lot of other people: Marissa, my wife and her family, my family, and even Marissa's mother. On the surface it probably appeared I was a pretty cold fish. But inside, where I am alone with my thoughts, there has been turmoil. The long drive to and from work, sometimes with tears in my eyes, wondering what she looks like. Fighting the urge to go past the house and catch a glimpse of her playing outside. Always wondering if I was doing the right thing by keeping the fighting to a minimum. I hope in time people will realize that control over other individuals at the sacrifice of children is more than just morally wrong, it can ruin a constantly growing string of peoples' lives, most notably our children."
"Soon after a new man entered the household, a new answering machine recording that the mother of my children recorded went something like this:
'This is the home of Sarah, Joseph, Tim and Betty....'"These four names (changed to protect) are my two children, their mom, and a man who moved in one year after our divorce. Every time I called my children, I had to listen to this "display" of the new arrangement, and I found myself not leaving messages for the children. Countless times after, the messages I did leave for the children were never conveyed to them from the answer machine.
"The use of my children to hurt me was at times overwhelming, and I just had to listen to my friends who would remind me that no one can ever replace Dad. And that is so true. It is a bond that is unique and strong, and much of the type of harassment I received could be managed by sharing with family members who could help tone down the nastiness, or by a court ordered counselor for 'better communication.'"
"When I first left, I had grand plans for how this would all work out. I envisioned that I would meet with my children, we would spend quality time together and do fun things. What has really happened is that I grow farther away from them every day.
"Even with full visitation, no schedule, no supervision, come anytime you want visitation, it is unbelievably difficult to really do that. I sit at home thinking about them every day and every night. I reach for the phone but I never make that call. About once a week I manage to scrape up enough courage to make that call, only to find that many times my children are busy the day I would like to visit. This weekend my oldest son had 'forgot' about dad and neglected to let his mother know I would be visiting. Upon calling to check if anything had come up to spoil my plans, I discovered that they would not be home.
"All of the guilt of leaving comes to the surface when I am with them. I sweat like I am breaking a fever, I dread who I will meet while I try to maintain the normality of their lives and I sob uncontrollably during the ride home after. I am watching them grow away from me as all the people around them try so hard to take my place...and it seems sometimes that they have. Sometimes I ask myself...what's the point? I am not really part of their lives anymore. My ex has told them I am not their father anymore and that they don't have to listen to me now. The last time I visited with my sons we built kites together, well sort of, we didn't really finish them because my ex and her boyfriend hovered around waiting for us to finish so that they could leave. I finally succumbed to the pressure. And finally, my visits with them are limited to a few hours at McDonald's because they can't come with me to my house. 'This is due to my ex-wife convincing them that they are not ready to meet my girlfriend' But I might point out that despite all of my anxiety I continue to pay my child support every month."
"In regard to your question about periods of separation from my children. I have one simple answer. When I get more time I'll try to elaborate on this.
"When we were divorcing, the emotional turmoil was so great that I thought I would die. I had always considered myself a tough survivor until being separated from my family.
"I could not endure the repeated pain of the encounters with my kids' mom; I retreated (literally) at a religious retreat house. For three weeks I had no contact with her or my children. I did not do this for myself, but to cleanse myself of the anger I had toward their mother, in order to be a decent father to our children."
"I am a former widower (25 years of marriage, 3 children) who remarried 'on the rebound' and brought my family into relationship with a woman who had never had children and who came from a restrictive, almost puritanical background. At once, my three children (ages 18, 16, and 8) 'rebelled' against the "new order"; and when my second wife and I had a child of our own, there was chaos in the house.
"When the inevitable divorce papers were filed (by my wife), I was accused, in her Declaration, of 'having no interest' in any of the children (specifically the child of my second marriage, then 8 years old), attempts were made to enlist the help of my other three children against me (now alienated from me, this due to a combination of anger towards my remarriage, feelings of 'disloyalty' towards the memory of their deceased mother, and, I believe, most of all, resentment at me for having 'betrayed' them. Now, in the midst of a divorce proceeding, while fighting continued attempts of my estranged wife to isolate me from my children (the adult ones by innuendo, and the youngest by obstruction of timeshare), I am attempting to 're-connect' with, at least, my youngest two daughters. Since the physical separation between my wife and me, I have been able to begin to re-establish a paternal connection with my daughters, this freed from the need to either 'protect' my wife, or 'take sides' in the defense of what was, indeed, for myself and my older children, a distorted and abnormal family system."
"I have found 'patience' and 'passivity' are fundamental notions in a successful strategy to re-establish an ongoing, free-flowing and natural relationship with your estranged children. The younger the children the less proactive you may seem to all who care to observe. But in reality, as time goes by, you are sure to avoid irrevocable damage as everyone strives to create new patterns of interaction.
"During the two and one-half years of acrimony defined by the legal separation and divorce we all tested each other without knowing the outcome or the desired results. Needs and wants had to be redefined. Crisis and helplessness were not what they appeared. 'Conflict avoidance' was a motivation, too.
"This prosaic seems so ephemeral. There were a million reasons to stay away when it was killing me. Each event stands on it's own."
"I felt pretty distanced and under-valued for many years, even though my daughter's mom encouraged my daughter to see me. But I didn't like being forced to support my daughter's spoiled attitude, and she didn't like being told she was spoiled, so I didn't see my daughter very often for several years during her mid-teens. The worst part was that the money that I earned was being used to do the spoiling and there's nothing I could do about it!
"The main issue was that my ex demanded that I pay for my daughter's horseback riding lessons and horse-leasing full time. My issue was not with the horseback riding per se, but with my daughter's attitude that she had a right to the luxury full-time no matter what her attitude was.
"That attitude has carried over to being fiscally irresponsible with charge cards. She has two cards, both with a sizable balance with essentially no way to pay them off (my daughter is in college now). I really think kids need to be trained to be fiscally responsible so that they can be responsible when they are on their own.
"Fortunately, my daughter has matured a bit in the last couple of years so I'm working with her on a budget, but I'm prevented from creating consequences for financially messing up. Her mom demands that I pay more than what the schooling costs, no matter what my daughter's attitude is, so this significantly limits what sort of consequences I can create for her going over-budget."
The Fathers' Rights and Equality Exchange
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