Dear President Clinton:
Thank you very much for a very inspiring State of the Union address last night. I appreciate the importance that you attached to families. It makes me proud to be a Democrat and a parent.
"In particular, I challenge the fathers of this country to love and care for their children. If your family has separated, you must pay your child support. We're doing more than ever to make sure you do, and we're going to do more, but let's all admit something about that, too: A check will not substitute for a parent's love and guidance. And only you -- only you can make the decision to help raise your children. No matter who you are, how low or high your station in life, it is the most basic human duty of every American to do that job to the best of his or her ability."
Mr. President, I am doing my best to provide for my children. I left their school after lunch with them today very proud. My daughter, Alanna, a first grader, has won an award for her creative artwork. Her mechanical constructions bring joy to this old engineer's heart. My son, Brendan, a third grader, announced that he had the second highest grade in his sixth grade math class.
All is not sunny and delightful in this family, though. Their mother is no longer involved with me. To the best of my ability, and sometimes through heroic efforts, I've done my best to stay involved with our children. This Christmas, I drove from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania twice, so the children could meet their cousins, and the extended Pawlowski family. That was easy compared to staying involved in the childrens' lives through the most difficult time in my life.
When you ask us to provide a father's love and guidance, do you realize that you are asking that we fight incredibly hard against a system that is so stacked against us that I wouldn't even know where to begin to change it. Personally, I've done my best to avoid the adversarial/legal system at all costs and to cooperate with their mother, teachers, clergy, and others who can help keep this family patched together.
It has been, without a doubt, the most difficult challenge of my life. Why? Can you explain to me why I have been accused of the most terrible things, yet convicted of nothing? Why people who've never met me, automatically assume that I must have done something wrong? Why there was no help for my family when I asked desparately for it? Why there was no place for me to take my children to stay? Why there are no resources to help keep fathers involved with our children?
I know of no shelters for men with children in the entire state of Arizona. The only one I've ever heard of in California has the children sleep separately from their dads. The few books I've seen for dads seem to only discuss how to get the best lawyers for a custody battle. I would rather die for my children than fight with their mother, who's marriage promise of love, honor, and respect I will never violate, because teaching my children the way of peace is more important than anything else that I can do for them.
There was a time during the turbulence of divorce when someone who could simply tell me how to maintain contact with my children, could have saved me thousands of dollars and years of heartache. Finally, someone said, "send them a postcard everyday." The point is that children need two parents to thrive, and the divorce industry in this country does nothing to help the children maintain contact with both parents.
Please remember when you malign fathers for not staying involved in their kids lives, that they are only doing the best they can against all odds. Yes, I can make a difference in the childrens' lives, but not alone.
Please support fathers, don't beat us up. Remember, deadbeat parents only become that way after they've been beaten.
Sincerely,
Vincent Pawlowski
P.S. I'm glad to be a dad!