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Summary: Learn to see and understand the "other side".
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While in the throes of a divorce, it is often difficult to see things from the other person's perspective, and to understand why they focus on some things, and seem to completely ignore others.
For example, in many cases involving children, it may seem as if the mother's primary concern is financial. This is understandable when you consider that women in our society receive a very strong message about how men "owe" them for years of gender discrimination and career sacrifices, as well as how all women end up in poverty after divorce, and therefore they must get as much money as possible from the man.
This often plays out heavily in the areas of custody and timeshare, because everybody knows that the greater the amount of timeshare (visitation) the father has, the lower the amount of child support the father has to pay. Therefore, when a mother fights tooth and nail to reduce the amount of time the children spend with the father, the father naturally assumes it is because she wants more child support.
But it is rarely (not never, but rarely) the case that these mothers are putting money above what is best for their children. It is actually that they have been led to believe that it is a foregone conclusion that it is best for the children to be with them! That's the message they get from society, from their friends and family, and even from the court system. It may not even occur to them that the children need regular, ongoing contact with both parents!
For the father's part, it may seem as if he doesn't care at all about the financial concerns of the mother, and is trying to get as much time with the children as possible in order to avoid paying high amounts of support. This is, however, rarely the motivating factor; in fact, most fathers going through the family law system feel that they must fight tooth and nail for time with their children because they feel as if they are being pushed out of their children's lives. These fathers genuinely fear losing all time and meaningful contact with their children!
It is important to understand that whatever the facts, how each parent sees things is their reality; they truly believe their version of "how things are".
Knowing the perspective of the "other side", and what their bottom line is, can greatly help in terms of focusing on what is important, formulating strategy, and negotiating. For instance, many men who are in a position to do so have found, when looking to increase their timeshare with their children, that it works well to offer to continue to pay the old amount of child support, if the mother will agree to a new increased timeshare. By offering to do this, it completely removes the primary incentive for the mother to not agree to an increased timeshare for the father, and the amount of child support being paid can always be adjusted at a later date, if appropriate. It also looks really good to the Court!
For whatever reason you choose to do it, think about what your ex may be perceiving, feeling, and believing, and consider that when you communicate and interact with them. You have nothing to lose by trying to see thing through their eyes, and you and your children have everything to gain.
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Recommended reading (click on the picture for more information):
[You are reading a lesson in the free online DadsRights.org lesson series,
Surviving Divorce. For the full series, free, sign up at SurviveDivorce@aweber.com]
